Empathy and Understanding in Your Relationship: A Guide to Conversations About Infertility

Talking about infertility isn’t easy. You may worry that you and your partner won’t be on the same page. You might even fear that your partner will leave if you’re unable to have a baby. But having an open and honest conversation about what you’re both facing is the first step. Learn how to open better lines of communication with our guide to conversations about infertility in your relationship. 

Think About What You Want to Say

The first step to having effective conversations about infertility is to think about what you want to say ahead of time. It’s too easy to lash out, sound accusatory, or become overwhelmed when you attempt to discuss such an emotionally-charged subject. 

Writing down a list of the topics you want to bring up may also be helpful. And don’t forget to give your partner a head’s up about wanting to have a conversation so they can plan as well. Going into the conversation with a plan and knowing what you want to say will help you discuss everything calmly and with empathy and understanding.

Choose Your Moment Wisely

Don’t attempt to initiate conversations about infertility when you or your partner are rushed or distracted, like when you’re getting ready for work. Do your best to choose a time when both you and your partner are less likely to be stressed and have plenty of time. If your partner likes to plan, set a date and time to have the conversation.

Use “We” and “I” Statements

It’s important to avoid placing blame (or even sounding like that’s what you’re doing) when discussing infertility. Say things like, “I’m worried that we’ve been trying so long to have a child and haven’t gotten pregnant yet. Maybe we should see a doctor together.” 

This technique allows you to approach infertility as a problem you both share and will tackle together–and it helps prevent either partner from feeling attacked or blamed. 

Ask Open-Ended Questions

It’s important to acknowledge that you and your partner may not always be on the same page when it comes to approaching infertility. Don’t make assumptions about what your partner wants. Instead, ask open-ended questions that allow them to explain. 

You might ask, “How do you feel about seeing a fertility specialist?” or “What are your thoughts about trying in vitro fertilization?” Open-ended questions help you get the conversation going rather than shutting it down. 

Acknowledge Negative Feelings

Infertility often brings up lots of negative feelings. You may be fearful that you’ll never have children. You may feel jealous of friends who are pregnant. Or you may be overwhelmed with grief after miscarrying. You may also feel angry that infertility feels so unfair, or ashamed that you haven’t been able to conceive.

ALL of these emotions are common in couples experiencing infertility, and it’s important to talk about them. However, if you or your partner feel overwhelmed with anger or anxiety, or are experiencing depression, it’s important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. 

At Reproductive Health & Wellness Center (RHWC), we know how important it is to address your overall wellness, and we offer both fertility therapy and spiritual counseling for both individuals and couples. 

Agree to Approach Infertility as a Team

Teamwork is one of the most important things to remember when facing infertility challenges. You and your partner are united against a common problem, regardless of the issues.

Make a pact that you’ll make decisions together. This includes types and lengths of treatments, how much you’re both comfortable spending, and whether to explore third-party options. 

Regularly Revisit the Conversation

Fertility is a journey, and it’s completely natural for your feelings about treatment to change over time. You may begin your journey feeling that you want to try absolutely anything to conceive, but decide along the way that your body has had enough. Or you may feel now that you don’t want to try IVF, but change your mind along the way. Your feelings toward donor sperm or surrogacy may also change. 

Because things change along this journey,  it’s essential to regularly revisit the conversation to make sure you’re both on the same page. It’s imperative to approach each conversation with empathy and understanding so you both feel heard and valued. 

Do you need help talking to your partner about infertility? RHWC partners with Fertility Counseling Center, Inc. to offer both individual and couples therapy with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Call or contact us today to take advantage of all our services.